2012
03.01

BECAUSE I HAD A BABY!

just kidding.  it IS a good excuse though.  i love babies, don’t get me wrong, but babies are for visiting.  this incarnation has me healing my own inner baby/inner puppy.

here’s what i’ve REALLY done since i last blogged:

i’ve seen my primary therapist, jan boyer, 105 times.

i’ve seen my “spiritual alignment” guy, lee cartwright, 42 times.

i’ve taken the poodles, moe + chloe, to daycare 96 times.

i’ve attended the memorial service for mary swartzberg.

i’ve been to OKC with debbie to visit 97 year old sweet artie jackson.

i’ve taken three series of improv classes here in santa fe with ben taxy.

i’ve had a few, more than two, panic attacks.

i’ve seen my “cranial sacral” guy, jean bergeron, 19 times.

i’ve thought about blogging.

i’ve had upwards of 30 massages from my trainer and dear friend kele mcdaniel.

i’ve worked on my amends letters [it’s a recovery thing].

i’ve had lots of friends from out of town come to visit and want to move here.

i’ve fallen more deeply in love with my sweetheart debbie jo fleischaker!

i’ve been back and forth 92 times with the whole “what’s the next step” if i identify as transgender.

i’ve added more vitamins and supplements to my regimen.

i’ve thought about blogging.

i’ve been sick way too much at almost 6 years clean + sober.

i’ve seen dr. russ canfield with specific “immune system after too much crack cocaine” questions.

i’ve cried tears of gratitude at least 1,000 times.

i’ve healed my singing shame through improv and telling the truth.

i’ve made a few new friends that are “lifetimers”…you know the poem “a reason, a season or a lifetime.”

i’ve accumulated more computer and technology gadgets that confuse me.

i’ve set up tech support frequently.

i’ve had a few breakdowns/breakthroughs where i thought i just might go crazy.

i’ve seen my psychopharmacologist, dr. james smith, 8 times to be exact.

i’ve checked my website almost daily to track when people are watching LEARNING TO STAY online.

i’ve performed in a bunch, more than a bundle, of improv shows.

i’ve thought about blogging.

i’ve given heartgard to our dogs as prescribed.

i’ve given and received TONS of hugs.

i’ve taken an antique leather chair to be repaired.

i’ve felt like a “total man” and a “baby girl” on the same day quite a few times.

i’ve bought a suit and makeup.  i repeat a suit and makeup…it was for the stage.

i’ve thought about blogging.

i’ve reconnected with anna baker who i’ve known since i was 21!  we both live in santa fe and didn’t know it!

i’ve been a huge part of susan mele and her family moving to new mexico and i couldn’t be more excited!

i’ve helped susan unpack and “set up shop” in her new home, but she did most of it herself.  here’s to DIY!

i’ve fallen even more deeply in love with my sweetheart [i’m repeating this on purpose].

i’ve been to NYC to see THE BOOK OF MORMON with said sweetheart.

i’ve celebrated my sister’s 5th year of being clean + sober.

i’ve been to whole foods 306 times and they’ve asked me to NOT come back.

i’ve seen debra doyle,my “soccer mom shaman,” that’s what i call her, 10 times.

i’ve thought about blogging.

i’ve celebrated my 44th birthday and felt younger than ever!

i’ve been to the gynecologist and cried.  no joke here.  here’s to trauma!

i’ve had my yearly mammogram as well.

i’ve had lots of body shame.

i’ve met and made some new dog friends.

i’ve been to anika solari and brandon rose’s wedding on 11:11:11.  the baby girl in the photo is their daughter.

i’ve laughed so hard that all of a sudden i have “six pack abs” for the evening.  they’re gone by morning.

i’ve thought some more about blogging.

i’ve had my mom, sister and niece visit for thanksgiving…to dine with 35 other people at the house.  yum yum.

i’ve healed so much with my mom…she truly is one of my heroes!  i love you mom!

i’ve gotten new prescription glasses.

i’ve been called “UNCLE KATHLEEN” by all of susan’s kids repeatedly and i love it.

i’ve done my first large corporate gig with an improv group and i got to wear a lavalier microphone.

i’ve ridden my new bike a few times…just got it this week from susan.

i’ve taken 26 baths and 3,000 showers…still working on the not feeling dirty thing.  here’s to healing!

i’ve started meeting with stephanie palmer taxy ,my “career therapist.” i know now that i AM a great waiter!

i’ve performed twice in THE LIVING TAROT.

i’ve thought about writing a letter to my dad and it still doesn’t feel safe.

i’ve had 8 facials with the amazing sharon fernandes.

i’ve had to cancel a dinner engagement with VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN due to being sick.

i’ve been informed that we’ll be invited to an intimate dinner with MR. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA soon.

i’ve co-hosted a WOMEN FOR OBAMA event here at our house.

i’ve picked out committmmentt rings with debbie and i wear mine proudly…smiling HUGE as i write this!

i’ve made our dogs steak for breakfast.

i’ve sent out email invites to an emma hill house concert at susan+jim’s new home in ABQ!

that’s it for now.  more to come sooner than soon…i actually really love this writing dealio!

oh and NOW I’VE BLOGGED!

peace + love + laughter + healing,   -kathleen.

2011
06.01

EVEN IF THEY DON’T KNOW IT!

at the core of each and every one of our souls is a sweet pure essence.  i do believe we were all born good.  i also believe that the need for love and approval varies from person to person based on what the individual received in their childhoods.

my own need for love, acceptance and approval has traveled all over the spectrum.  as i continue to heal my need for others to validate my being changes too.  i remember when i first started doing stand up comedy my entire sense of self would be based on how the show went.  if the audience loved me i was high as a kite.  if the crowd didn’t get me at all i was keenly aware that i’d always kept suicide  “on the back burner,” so to speak.  crazy much?  YES IT WAS.

i’m so grateful that healing is really possible.  i used to feel that i was just a lost little toddler wandering around the planet sucking my thumb.  no joke.  to this day if nothing else soothes me i’ll suck my thumb.  true story.  end of story.  next  story.  i’ve got a great collection of healing/recovery books.  read on…

the following is taken from rokelle lerner’s AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE INNER CHILD:

approval

i give up the need for approval.

today i will give up my excessive need for approval.  in the controlling, c0-dependent environment of my childhood home, my safety depended on pleasing my parents.  i learned to watch for the smallest signs of disapproval from them to tell me how to behave.   as a result, i still feel the presence of a frightened little boy/girl within me drives me to say and do things that will earn favor with others.

i will no longer allow my excessive need for approval to rob me of inner peace.  i visualize the frightened five year old inside me bathed in a pool of warm light.  i feel his/her fear dissolving in the security of my love for him/her.

a feeling of  peace wells up in me as my fear of disapproval melts away.  i step forward confidently to face the new day!

how’s that for a good reminder?  i love it.  here’s to whatever you need to KNOW that you are lovable just the way you are!

peace + love + laughter + healing,   -kathleen.

2011
04.12

TODAY!

what a special way to celebrate my fifth year of recovery!  mom arrived yesterday to be with me for this momentous occasion.  she singlehandedly paid for my entire rehab experience back in 2006.  it is one of the biggest gifts i have ever received.  can i just say how amazing she is AND that our healing continues to this day!

we have an ever deepening relationship and she’s been right beside me all along the journey.  it’s been a long and winding road back to myself and she’s been able to mirror back to me just how much i’ve grown.  she’s grown too and for that i commend her.  my mom continues to amaze me with how willing she is to push past her comfort zone and do the work necessary to understand what trauma healing is all about.  here’s to YOU mom for all the love and support you’ve given me throughout my life and especially the past five years!  I LOVE YOU!

peace + love + laughter + healing,   -kathleen.

2011
03.30

at COLUMBIA COLLEGE!

what an absolute thrill and honor to be invited to screen LEARNING TO STAY in south carolina.  i had a wonderful time.  the southern hospitality was real and very much appreciated.  the professor in the photo here is a dear friend of mine named coco that i went to kindergarten through 12th grade with.  i hadn’t seen her in about ten years and it was ever so easy to be with her.  she’s an amazing scholar!  i was blown away by her passion for all that she does.  here’s to YOU dr. mann-morlet!

the students too blew me away with their openness.  i hadn’t been around that demographic in a while and have to say that i LOVED it!  by demographic i mean students who are really doing their work.  the college had just recently done their campus monologues and i met quite a few of the women who had participated in them.  i heard from more than one student that it was “life changing and empowering!”  that only fueled my passion to connect with people all the more.  i too know that doing my work with LEARNING TO STAY has led me into a whole new way of being in the world.  i’ve accepted more fully the fact that my vulnerability is truly my strength.  being real moment to moment with WHATEVER i’m feeling is the only way to be authentic.  here’s to connecting with people who lift you up and remind you of your essence!  THANK YOU EVERYONE AT COLUMBIA COLLEGE!

peace + love + laughter + healing,    -kathleen.

2011
03.28

wins the prize!

explora is a great museum in albuquerque AND my sweetheart is one of the visionaries who brought it to life!  we attended the founders day breakfast today and it was very special.  we met many of the people that have been involved over the years in making the vision come to life.  it was wonderful watching debbie do her thing and tell stories of how it all began with some moms gathered around her living room back in the early 80’s talking about their vision.

one of the highlights of the morning was watching the video of michelle obama presenting the NATIONAL MEDAL for museum and library service to museum director patrick lopez.  i witnessed debbie’s vision come full circle AND be honored by the first lady!  here’s to having a vision and following through with it!

peace + love + laughter + healing,   -kathleen.

2011
03.14

GANDHI SAID IT FIRST!

could it really be that simple?  on a good day i think to myself “OF COURSE IT CAN!”   on a not so good day i think there’s just no way we as a species can ever get “there.”   well, i’m happy to report that i have way more good days than not.   in the midst of all that is [global daily news, warfare, domestic violence, childhood sexual abuse, addiction and the like] i remain an optimist.  i, kathleen fontaine, am an optimist…always have been always will be.  and that, my dear reader, is proof positive that deep down kindness is my religion too!

i do believe that we have the power to effect  change wherever we go simply by being kind.  the human race is starving for real connection and gentleness.  i know that to be true because any time i simply smile at someone from a real heartfelt place i see them light up a bit.  that’s such a simple gift we can give one another.  paying if forward with a smile.  here’s to that simple act of kindness…giving AND receiving heartfelt smiles!

peace + love + laughter + healing,   -kathleen.

2011
03.12

how lucky am i?

so many artists have moved to northern new mexico for the sky.   mostly painters i think.  i don’t really paint AND it still speaks to me in such HUGE ways.  we have each of the four seasons here in the high desert and skies that change all year long.  at night we see every star that’s visible.  i know for a fact that this is home.  i’m truly living the dream in the land of enchantment, as it’s called.

don’t get me wrong, i LOVE to travel.  i also LOVE coming home to santa fe, new mexico!  this city of 150,000 is just the right pace for me.  after visiting any big city, i find it hard to believe that i actually lived in quite a few of them [boston, washington dc, san francisco, los angeles].  santa fe has every type of healing modality and recovery!  i’ve always said, “if you came to santa fe to heal and you DON’T…then you really didn’t want to!”

in exactly one month i’ll have five years clean and sober!  i came to santa fe from los angeles on april 12th 2006.  that’s a day i’ll never forget.  it was the first time i actually surrendered and admitted that i really needed help.  i was in rehab for three months and took the advice to stay in santa fe to start my life over.  that was, hands down, one of the best decisions of my life!  i have so much to be grateful for.  here’s to that feeling of “home” wherever it might be!

peace + love + laughter + healing,   -kathleen.

2011
03.09

SAN FRANCISCO!

i played small during the five years i lived here.  it feels wonderful to be in one of my favorite cities clean and sober!  my life is a living amends and as i walk the streets of san fran it’s a walking amends.  here’s to getting “right-sized” in your life…whatever it means to YOU!

peace + love + laughter + healing,    -kathleen.

2011
03.08

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!

so TODAY marks the 100th international women’s day celebration.  how cool is that?  and how cool is eve ensler?  i can’t say enough about all the work she’s done, and is currently doing, on the planet.

debbie and i’ve been fortunate enough to get to spend time with her over the past few years whenever she’s in santa fe.  she is one of the most grounded, humble and lovable souls i know!  when i first met her i was very early in my own recovery.  i told her a little bit about my journey, saying that i too want to heal so that i can help others do the same.  i was frustrated at the time not knowing how or when i would ever be in a place where i could really be of service.  she had the sweetest and simplest advice for me, “let it take as long as it takes…YOU need to get YOU back.  kathleen, there’s no race.  YOU are right where YOU are supposed to be.”  wow.  needless to say, that advice went right to my heart.  she gave me a huge hug as tears rolled down my cheeks reminding me to slow down and trust the process.  what a gift she gave me that day with those words of encouragement.  what a gift she gives the world through her words, her work, her wisdom and her love!  thank you eve ensler for simply being!  you give me strength!   here’s to eve and all people everywhere who are working to make our world an inclusive reality!

peace + love + laughter + healing,    -kathleen.


2011
03.07

it all starts with INTENTION!

i’m writing this from a beautiful suite at the st. regis in san francisco.  just five blocks away is a facility where i went to an NA meeting today.  what a difference five blocks can make!   the facility was a senior citizen center and they were feeding their homeless community free lunch.  the NA meeting was smack dab in the middle of traffic, so to speak.  we were in a tiny room between the office and the cafeteria.  throughout our hour long meeting we had about ten different people walking from one room to the next.  interesting to say the least.  i got to see my growth in that i didn’t mind it at all.  we were all there to be “fed” on some level.

i am reminded that EVERYTHING exists all at once.  we simply are choosing to create our realities with the thoughts we think.  in the past i would have easily have had this thought process…”WHAT THE HELL KIND OF ANONYMITY IS THIS?  THIS PLACE ISN’T SAFE!   I’M OUTTA HERE.  FUCK RECOVERY!”    i would have angrily thought myself into a relapse.  i’ve sat through my fair share of loud and obnoxious meetings.  i’ve sat through a few where it was just me, as the “secretary,” waiting to see if anyone else showed up.  i’m grateful for all the sitting and all the chairs and all the rooms and all the cities around the world where people are doing some of the hardest and most sacred work of all.  here’s to everyone everywhere who’s doing the work to create a better day for themselves one hour at a time!  i have nothing but love for you all!

peace + love + laughter + healing,    -kathleen.